It’s election season and I’m having election fever. This parody is inspired by my friends, Audrey & Chuihua who have their individual “Please Vote For Me” parody statements out as well.
I wrote a more serious piece a few weeks back titled “The Voter’s Pledge“, but humor/parody is much more fun to write.
Hi, my name is Cindy and I’m standing as a candidate for the upcoming elections. I have a very very common background, as evident by my very very common name. In fact, I am sure if you scroll through your phone or facebook list, you will find that there are at least 2 or more different Cindys. But I believe I am unique, just like you are and I will like to be given the opportunity to serve you in my unique capacity.
When I was young, I was traumatized by the Merlion. I could not come to terms with the lion-fish hybrid. I always thought that I should be thinking within the box. A lion is a lion and a fish, a fish and never the twain shall meet. As I grew older, I realized that the Merlion represents us as a country, neither here nor there, but a miracle created out of nothing. To further entrench the Merlion into our collective consciousness, I propose to start a fund which will allow all families to install a Merlion showerhead in their bathroom. This is not hogwash, but as we receive showers of blessing from the mouth of the Merlion, I am certain that it will go a long way in building our national identity as Singaporeans.
I believe I can identify with the majority of Singaporeans who are faced with higher cost of living. My usual meal of fishball noodles at the hawker centre now comes with 2 rather than 3 fishballs for the same price. Wages have not increased as much as we will like despite economic growth. Where in the past I can afford a Prada bag, I now can only afford Kate Spade. With my background in international tax law, I can contribute to the discussions in Parliament on how to bring the cost of living down, particularly in the area of improving the existing GST system. There have been proposals surfaced to exempt essential goods and services from GST. I carry an old Prada handbag to work everyday and I can understand many of you who are in a similar situation. Please give me a chance to speak for you. If elected, I will take the position that a Prada (or any luxury handbag used in the course of work) ought to be an essential good to be exempted from GST.
In my line of work, I have met with officials from various countries in the Asia-Pacific. They assured me that their countries are not just good for holidays and good food. I am very heartened by this. I believe there is a lot more we can do as a country to build links with our neighbors in the region. If anything, one thing I have learnt is that people love to talk about themselves, regardless of their nationality. To build a strong regional identity, I am advocating the conversion of the KTM railway as a real track for foreign policy discussions. The infrastructure is already in place. With a focused setting, the long journey (8 hours to and fro) from Singapore to Malaysia and back will allow politicians and officials on the train to keep their train of thought focused. They can discuss issues to ensure mutual benefits on both sides, steering the train so that it does not become derailed.
This is my country, this is my land. Singapore is my home and will always be. Give me a chance to speak for you and make Singapore into a home you want. Thank you.
Using Audrey’s disclaimer: “All characters are real although events have been mildly exaggerated for dramatic effect. All the parts related to politics, political ambitions and national policies are bullshit”.