These lines are from the now-defunct show, Better Off Ted, about characters working in a stereotypically evil company, Veridian Dynamics.
It’s one of my favorite TV series. Keeps me sane and makes me feel a lot better sitting in cubicle 124.
“People lie. Corporations protect their interests. It’s different.”
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better. Power. We make that. Technology. We make that. Cows. Well, no. We don’t make cows, although we have made a sheep. And medicines, and airplane engines, and whatever this is, and all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better. Usually.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. We’re the future of food, developing the next generation of food and food-like products. Tomatoes… the size of this baby, lemon-flavored fish, chickens that lay 16 eggs a day, which is a lot for a chicken, organic vegetables chock-full of antidepressants. At Veridian Dynamics, we can even make radishes so spicy that people can’t eat them, but we’re not, because people can’t eat them. Veridian Dynamics. Food. Yum.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. We’re a family, just like yours. But we don’t waste our time throwing leaves around. We put our family to work. We mean real work. Not just eating mush. Our Veridian Dynamic family works for every member of your family. Even the dead ones. And we’re working to bring them back and copy them, in case you lose them again. We love our family, which is why we work nights, weekends, and major holidays, because that’s when families should be together. Veridian Dynamics. Families. Yay.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Diversity: just the thought of it makes these white people smile. We believe everyone works best when they work together, even if they’re just standing around. Just like we enjoy varieties of food, we enjoy varieties of people. Even though we can’t eat them. At Veridian Dynamics, we’re committed to a multiethnic workplace. You can shake on it. Veridian Dynamics. Diversity. Good for us.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Competition: whether it’s animals, or this old woman and baby, fighting to the death. Competition makes us stronger. In business, that means better products: pills that look like candy, hands that can shoot lightning, and a new generation of hurricane-proof dogs. Veridian Dynamics. Competition. It makes everything better.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Individuals: we believe everyone is special, irreplaceable, and will follow the thing walking in front of it. That’s why we celebrate all individuals, even ones going nowhere. Veridian Dynamics. Because you can’t spell “individual” without “Veridian.” And “U.” And an “L.”
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork: it’s a beautiful thing. In business, it means working together for a common goal. X-rays show that when people work together, they’re happier and less likely to do something weird. Veridian Dynamics. Teamwork. It keeps our employees gruntled.
Commercial: Bosses. Everybody has one. Without bosses, we’d be like these worms. Disgusting. Bosses make everything better. So listen to your boss. And don’t question them. Otherwise you’re no better than a worm. Veridian Dynamics. Bosses. Necessary.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. The environment—everyone likes it. And so, we do too. That’s why we’re committed to saving it. Veridian Dynamics is turning every one of our buildings 100% green. It’s ridiculously expensive and spending money makes us sad. But we’re doing it because we love nature, even when it’s being mean or just acting stupid. Veridian Dynamics. Greening our world.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Our team. Over 100,000 strong. And we love all of them. Unless they cross us. Then we’ll hunt them down and hurt them. Because that’s love, too. Veridian Dynamics. Don’t cross us. Ever. Seriously. Just don’t.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It’s so important. But it’s different at work. Time spent with friends at work robs your employer of opportunity. And robbing people is wrong. Veridian Dynamics. Friendship. It’s the same as stealing.
Commercial: Veridian Dynamics. Doing the right thing. It’s important. What does it mean in business? We have no idea. We know what wrong is. Actually, no, we don’t. Because we’re a successful company, not some boring ethics professor. Veridian Dynamics. Right and Wrong. It means something. We just don’t know what.